"**a man HAS GOT TO KNOW his limitations"

**THE TITLE CAME FROM A MOVIE!! I'm not Plagiarizing; therefore, I am crediting the screenwriter(s) of 1 of the Dirty Harry movies from the 70s. It was one of the last line of the movie when a corrupt police chief was trying to turn the police force into a bunch of nasty, funky stormtroopers. Clint EAstwood's character, Harry Callahan, of course fights them and wins.

I'm a man who is about 1/2 way through 40 and 50. About the same age as Hermann Hesse's Steppenwolf. (Great book, you need to read it). I already did my mid life crisis, and no longer "slenderly know thyself" (credit to SHAKESPEARE, I won't plagiarize him either, $5 mailed to the person who knows that play)

So it's funny how my thought process has changed from my 20s. When I saw a woman who was attractive, back in the 1980s, it would brighten my whole afternoon. First, I imagined what she really looked like, then how we would get to know each other, maybe where we'd get married, and the nice conversations we had and other, certain experiences. pretty soon it was about 8pm!!

I could recognize an attractive woman, right away. Now let's fast forward 20 yrs. First, in your 40s, your carnal drive isn't nearly as strong as it used to be. Then it takes longer to recognize that someone is actually really attractive, and it doesn't register until I notice

Anyway, there is a well-established psychology that says that when one finds out that one is suffering a terminal illness, they go through certain stages; I believe they are about 4-7 stages and they go from shock, anger, grief, __________, __________, __________ to acceptance/resignation. Well, now when I see or work with a beautiful woman, my mind goes through 3 stages, happiness, chagrin, consolation.

Happiness – Instead of the happy glow that would take me several hours through the afternoon like it used to when I was 24, the happiness stage lasts only about 20 min. I’m so self-effacing now that I don’t even recognize an attractive woman until she starts speaking to me first.

Chagrin – Then I realize that the woman would severely reproach me because 1 of 2 situations would occur. She’s either much younger than me or in a different socio group (meaning? Too different mindset, too Republican, different class, someone I can’t relate too) I just don’t HAVE IT ANYMORE!

Consolation - I have an attractive, smart, driven domestic partner at home. At least, I have smart kids that look up to me. Then the one thing that hasn’t changed at all is the burning heat of conscience. I only “funkily carnal” before 1992 and in early 06’. In fact I always was bitten hard by the tiger’s teeth of conscience and never was seriously tempted with someone else from 92-2002 and after Nov., 2006. I dominated by God (and rightly so)!


Sometimes, guys and gals often wonder (starting in their 30s, “do I still ‘have it’???) I realize the answer is a resounding NO. I’m 44, just lost 30 lbs, but have about 30,40 lbs left to lose. I think about when I was separatetd/divorced in Midlothian an on the dating website Christian Mingle a/k/a http://www.relationships.com/ I was on there from Dec., 2005 to Nov. 2006 and in that whole time had one meaningful relationship. Was rejected far more than hearing the word “yes/ok”. & yes, I was on my best behavior, too!

Then I get a compliment out of nowhere and ask myself the “it” question again. Last October, I received a complement that absolutely shocks me. We had a clerk by the name of John from Arkansas. Like the other law clerks, he was in his mid 20s going to law school. He started in spring of 2007 and stopped in the fall of 2007. So we had a modest party at this swank hotel, 1st floor bar. WE were simply talking, John & I, and all of the sudden he says something like, “You’re so strong, you could throw me around like a rag doll.” & it wasn’t true; here he is a guy in his 20s just as big as I and ………..well………I am from the farm. ……………I still stay strong…Mr. Bender’s 1st password to me was “strong”……...the only time Maribeth overestimates me is my fighting ability………..NO, I STILL doubt I could take John in a fight. Maybe close but who the hell cares, anyhow???

I’m not George Clooney. Therefore, it’s Happiness -- Chagrin -- Consolation for me.