a little afterthought.....INSTANT JUSTICE

I spoke about bullying.  The link herein shows some instant justice to a punk who bullies someone else.



http://www.collegehumor.com/video:1949282

An amazing, emotional show (Part 1 of 2)

I saw an amazing and very interesting show (part of a series) on PBS called This Emotional Life.  &, yes, it was very emotional to watch and drew a strong reaction to my own feelings.  You can see the website at http://www.pbs.org/thisemotionallife/home   This is a 2 part post.  I will discuss the other part later in a week or 2. 

There was an episode where a student was cyberbullied and belittled at school.  They never give any personal details of the bully (to protect him, I would imagine), but it was terrible and heart-breaking what he did !   Seeing this emotionally crushing, tragic episode, all I could think about was hurting this bully back - literally breaking his bones and forcing him to understand the immense damage he did to this poor 8th grade boy. I knew from the start of the episode the victim would die and had a sinking feeling through the whole episode, b/c they referred to the victim in the past tense.

What's interesting was that I was bullied when I was younger. But it never reached the humiliation and soul-crushing deeds that occurred in the episode I watched. & when I watched the episode, I was never like, "Yeah that's what Paul, Marty or Dean did to me".  When I think of what was done to me way in the past, I just shrug my shoulders with no emotion at all, it was part of my childhood, part of me growing up.  More importantly, the kids who messed with me are completely different now. What I watched on This Emotional Life may have drew a strong reaction b/c of what happened and what I witnessed recently about 6-8 years ago (first in 2003 and again even worse in 2005; I did not recall or relate either problems from either year while I watched this sad episode).  Sadly, I can't discuss too much of it, b/c people can do background searches on me and use it in the wrong context. 

The victim was an 8th grader, Jeffrey Johnston, who was smart, nice, and understanding (like they all are, it seems).  He had friends and was not a loner.  More poignantly, in the last weblink below, it explains that Jeffrey never demonized the bully and repeatedly, frequently tried to make peace with him.  Jeffrey's friends worked on their own computer project, I'm not sure if it was a blog but it was a project to show their writing and artistic talents.  The only way to get into the project and make a contribution to it (as the victim did) was to know a password.

  Somehow the bully found out the password.  He promptly erased all of the victim's hard work, his articulate, well-thought out work and wiped it out. Then in a perverse coup' de gras'  he added insult to injury and wrote a bunch of insults about him ("Billy is a fag" "He should just give up and die" sort of remarks).  It makes me physically sick writing about this.  How someone would take something that meant so much to this artistic adolescent and totally shit on it and ruin it. This turned out to be a cataclysmic turning point for the victim.  The victim's friends were interviewed.  They all stated that after that incident, the 8th grade kid withdrew.  He stopped reaching out to his friends.  The episode pointed out a sad irony - when he needed his friends the most, he withdrew, and he never got the help he needed.  His personality literally changed after the bully attacked the artistic work he did on his special website.  His parents saw the change and tried but could not do enough to save him.

He graduated from 8th grade.  The summer came.  His mom made plans to one day to go to an amusement park and it almost seemed like the victim looked forward to it. 

But the very day that he was to go to the amusement park, his poor mother woke up in the morning.  She opened the door to his room, and there he was........Jeffrey Johnston hung himself.  He was dead, and his poor mother quickly realized it was too late to try and save his life.  The mother, that courageous, amazing woman was the one who described going in there and seeing her dear son dead. This kind, sweet artistic adolescent killed himself.

He wrote a suicide note.  Don't blame the bully he said.  It blew me away that he showed little bitterness towards his tormenter.  Nearly similar to  when someone everyone knows said 1078 yrs. ago, "Forgive them, for they know not what they do!" 

Jeffrey Johnston said, blame NO ONE.  Don't blame him, because that's the way life is.  People getting hurt by those who are stronger is a fact of life, it happens millions of times in millions of places.  Yet, that amazing, world-changing mother, Debbie Johnston, proved him wrong in one respect.  She called her legislators, she called then-Governor Jeb Bush, she testified, she held rallies.  Through all her hard work, Debbie Johnston helped pass "Jeffrey Johnston Stand Up for All Students Act" (Fla. Stat. section 1006.147).  It was signed by Governor Crist in April, 2008.  (See http://www.ibls.com/internet_law_news_portal_view.aspx?id=2109&s=latestnews ) Debbie Johnston showed that bullying isn't a fact of life or an inevitable right of passage for susceptible kids in Florida. 

The great unanswered question was this:  what happened to the bully??    What was his reaction when he heard of the boy he tormented hanging himself?  Did he take any responsibility whatsoever?  Did someone get revenge on him? (I highly doubt it)  Did someone's horrible, UNNECESSARY death change him in any way, shape or form ? ? ? ? ?  Is it possible that he watched the episode showing the harm he committed?

Is there anything we can do to minimize bullying ?

Clearly, this is an amazing story what happened in Florida.  If you have an interest, please see

http://www.pbs.org/thisemotionallife/home  -this actually relates to the series I saw on PBS

http://www.ibls.com/internet_law_news_portal_view.aspx?id=2109&s=latestnews

http://jeffreyjohnston.org/docs/Debbie%20Johnston%20Vita.pdf

http://jeffreyjohnston.org/

Jeffrey, I hope you are in heaven as we recall the tragic end of your life.

HERE'S WHY !

It's bad manners (in fact it's distasteful) to air "your dirty laundry" and explain problems/issues that go on in the privacy of your home.  Through unique circumstances  that yields more advantage than disadvantage, I live with my ex, MB.   In so doing, we more easily raise our kids together; when one person is gone to work, the other person only has to go home in order to take care of the kids (as opposed to arrangements made when you're both divorced and separated).  The arrangement we have enables us to pay our bills where we were unable to when we were apart.  Prior to the time I lived with my ex, we were behind on our mortgage and dreadfully and dangerously behind in our home equity loan.  Today, our home equity loan and mortgage are up to date in payments (thanks to MB & I working together). 

To MB's credit, she has grown emotionally, has grown as an adult (as we all must do) it's easier to get along with her than it was in 2002. I am grateful for that and for many of the things she does. 

So why am I discussing personal problems and "airing dirty laundry"? 

Because from time to time, I am asked:

"Why can't you remarry?"

"Why can't you work harder on the relationship, work things out and get back together as a full-fledged couple?"

"What went wrong in your marriage?"

It also answers the question of why I have sought affection elsewhere.  To MB's credit, she didn't freak out when I first explained the situation with her.  & when I go to my dear friend's place in Berwyn, MB doesn't make snide remarks or raise a fuss.  2 weekends ago, she even suggested I go to my dear friend's place inspite the fact I had not made plans to do so before she made the suggestion. 

So, this past week, 2 incidents have occurred that make it all crystal clear why I've been divorced and am with someone else.  This morning I informed MB that I was paying for my oldest son, Andy's school lunch.  MB thanked me.  My daughter, Brianna, then asked why Andy didn't pay lunch from the allowance he receives.  I said, "Because a kid's allowance should not be spent on that.  Parents should be responsible for a kids school lunch". 

Then MB inexplicably said, "So what's the problem with you paying for his lunch?"

I replied, "Did it sound like I objected to paying for his lunch??"

"Yes" she answered.

Stop, dear reader, stop right there and comprehend what was just said ! When I say parents should pay for their kids lunch, does that really sound like I didn't want to pay for Andy's lunch? 

The same thing happened last Sunday.  The kids were complaining far too harshly and were directing their complaints against their Mom-MB (but not me).   I told them that they were absolutely wrong for 2 reasons.  First, they should show their Mom more respect, and 2ndly their complaints were wrong because they expected too much.  What was MB's reaction??

She criticized me and completely misinterpreted and misconstrued what I was saying.  This inspite of the fact that what I said could be understood by a 5th grader, was not complex & shouldn't have been misunderstood. 

So, there's a principle defect clearly indicated.  Even when I try to help MB & support her, I get criticized.  My good intentions are impugned.  It's so frustrating ! ! ! !   & this has definitely happened a number of times in the past; it happened a number of times while I was married to her.  The fact that I have tried to help her only to be criticized and demeaned for my support, has alienated me.

Another problem in our relationship is that we both have bad tempers.  Our worst moments are when we are feeding off each other's anger while we fight with each other.  Our kids have to break up our arguments.  I don't blame them at all for being upset at our fighting ! For my part, I should control my anger better, now and definitely in the past. 

Basically, my problem and how I hurt the marriage is that I should have acted more like MB's father.  My father-in-law is very good at brushing aside and not getting mad at unreasonable remarks even when they're directed at him.  Now and in the past, when MB said something objectionable, I should have shrugged them off. 

I never or very rarely let MB's unfair remarks slide; I always get upset.  I can count on 1 hand and almost remember each time I ever just let what she said go.  It calls to mind Sarah McLachlan's song "Push" where she sings,

I get mad so easy but you give me room to breathe

No matter what I say or do 'cause you're too good to fight about it

Even when I have to push just to see how far you'll go

You wont stoop down to battle but you never turn to go

No, that doesn't describe me at all.  But I learned as a young adult that when you say something unfair or wrong against someone else, you should be corrected for it, you should be "brought to task".  But when I rigidly upheld this principle, it led to, was one of a number of reasons why  MB divorced me.  Was standing up for a reasonable principle worth it?  

I would even correct her or get upset with MB when she said something unfair and she was in pain, pregnant or really upset with what occurred at her very stressful job as a nurse at a very large hospital, Loyola.  I was wrong, and it hurt our marriage.

We had a good deal of adversity.  In a later  post, I'm going to discuss an outstanding program on PBS called This Emotional Life.  (See http://www.pbs.org/thisemotionallife/topics  )  One of the things said is when a couple goes through big problems their communication skills are put to the test.  How  true.  How very true!

Guess what happened on the day way back in 1999 when MB first learned that Andy had a mental problem when he was only 3 years old ? ?  She called me and stated very clearly that we now had a serious problem with our son and if I wanted to, I could leave and she would deal with the problem.  Never mind that doing so was unthinkable in my view. That everything my parents taught and held up as their example to us as parents and a married couple indicated that I should remain faithful,  loyal, true to MB for better or worse. 

I am backed up by the facts.  I helped MB financially anyway I could.  Through nearly all of our marriage, I worked 2 jobs.  I never ever came close to cheating on her with another woman.  In any minute of any day, MB basically knew where I was.  

It didn't matter.  It just didn't matter.  My actions, my intentions as a husband were impugned.  MB didn't believe in me and thought the worst of me.  Therein was and continues to be the problem...................

My trip to Cleveland & the Rock & Roll Hall of Fame

From 2/25 - 2/28/11, I went to Cleveland. They have the Rock n Roll Hall of Fame. I have a major passion for rock music learning as much as I can about the songs, artists I love. I have a subscription to Rolling Stone. I decided to use part of my tax refund for going to Cleveland. The trip ended up being very affordable.

Friday, the day the trip began didn't start too well. That morning, I got a ticket for speeding. I was the only car on the road, and I seemed to be driving safe, but was speeding. We got a late start. I wanted to start late morning but we didn't start until 1 pm. The night before the trip was very ominous b/c there was a snowstorm predicted which actually occurred in Cleveland before we got there. I was very worried that we would be hitting very slow traffic jams. But, the trip took 5 hrs. to get to the Cleveland area, and I was very happy with the fact that we could travel as fast as we wanted on the Interstate and there were NO traffic jams.

We stayed at the Red Roof Inn. The hotel had a very convenient location, just off the interstate. The hotel itself did not have too many amenities. But I was very conscious of price, and when you are conscious of price, you aren't going to get all the amenities.

As I said, the main reason I traveled to Cleveland was to see the Rock n Roll Hall of Fame. Here were the highlights:

-saw a 3D movie on U2

-listened to a song by Jimi Hendrix, "Bold as Love". I had never heard the song before, and I absolutely loved it. It was amazing.

-They showed the actual clothes or outfits people in rock wore at certain famous, memorable times. They had quite a few from Prince, Elvis, Rolling Stones.

-They had the actual notebook or paper the artists used to write the lyrics. THey had this for Jim Morrison, Bruce Springsteen, Jimi Hendrix and others.

-They had a movie that highlighted the career of Hall of Fame inductees. Not all of them. People like producers or a guitar maker like Leo Fender were listed but no footage on them. But it was fun seeing Rolling Stones, Beatles, Jimi Hendrix, Led Zeppelin, the note from the Sex Pistols telling the Hall of Fame to go to hell and rejecting their invitation to the Hall of FAme ceremony inducting them. It was a pretty long movie as they started placing people in the HOF in 1986.

-Saw a pretty extensive "Women in Rock" exhibit.

-Saw the ZZ Top vintage 1940s car that they used in their most famous videos like "Sharp Dressed Man".

-They had a Bruce Springsteen exhibit on the top 2 floors of the Hall of Fame. This was a temporary exhibit and I saw it on one of the last days it was up. They had a brief movie on Springsteen as he explained some of the songs on the album BORN TO RUN.

-It had a very large store for selling memorabalia and CDs.  I bought Maribeth and the kids T-shirts.

My faith is very important so, prior to going to Cleveland, I was able to find a church near the hotel. It was a very good Mass, and the priest gave an excellent sermon. We also were able to go to a nice restaurant where I enjoyed steak and order the next afternoon with my favorite topics - Canadian bacon and pineapple.

The trip was eye-opening, perspective-expanding time, the kids and Maribeth liked the shirts that I got them. The trip was a wonderful experience ! ! !

See also   http://rockhall.com/

listening to the radio

I don't want to "toot my own horn" or boast, but I still wanted to share a special moment I had last night, that put a smile on my face.

We have a classic rock station in Chicago, 97.1 "THE DRIVE". On Thursday, they played nothing but LP album sides. It was really fun to listen to.

Anyway, I turned my car radio on. I heard a keyboard part, just a FEW seconds of it. I said to myself, "That's a Genesis song." There was no vocals, guitar part, just the keyboard. Lo and behold, in a minute, I heard Phil Collins vocals. I was pretty pleased that I could recognize a song with so little to go on. There may have been some skill involved but, then again, maybe it was a matter of luck, dumb luck. It still made me pretty happy.

The song is not one I can remember but it was from the album Lamb Lies Down on Broadway, and the song was on the same side as the title track. It's too bad that I couldn't hear "Carpet Crawlers" as I absolutely LOVE that song, and that's on the same album but a different side of the double album.