Here's what I think is better when looking for the right person. Have certain TANGIBLE expectations of a person. If they don't meet those expectations, then stop dating them or better yet, resolve to be just friends. If they do meet those expectations, keep dating them, once you get to know them (and especially know their weaknesses, bad traits) deepen the relationship. Don't expect chemistry dont expect to be inspired.
Also, here's an example. It would be nice if I met a woman who was really interested in history and politics. But that's not one of my expectations because there's not that many in my area that have that interest. Yet it is important that the woman has a job, wants to follow a budget as much as I do once we live together/marry, has the same spending sensibilities, would like to discuss the Bible, loves my kids and maybe a few other traits.
The point is that I'm not going to torture my prospect with this intangible, nebulous idea that they have to have chemistry with me. & then if they ask what chemistry is I give some pointless circular explanation like "it's a feeling, a gut reaction". That's unfair.
But that's the dilemma and difference between the 2 sexes. & this is a mere generalization and isn't true all the time. I don't pretend to know women or men but there's somethings that I see over and over again. Men emphasize objectivity, facts. Women emphasize feelings, the subjective (BUT the feelings are often based on facts). Men emphasize the cognitive domain; woman the affective domain.
I wish I was wrong when I explain that. I wish that there was some woman in the SW suburban Chicago area who could give me a list of tangible traits that she wants and then it's just a matter of following them. But that probably won't happen. All I can do is keep trying. Hope/pray for the best. This whole process REALLY SUCKS!!
Tuesday, September 19, 2006
I hate chemistry (not the class either)
on my dating website www.relationships.com we have what's called message boards. Supposing you have a questions about something many guys do and it's hard to figure out. Ask the message board and 100s of guys will see it and some will respond to you. It's a nice forum. so tonight a woman who kind of leads the message board because she is so active in it asked this
Guys, what do you think is "chemistry"?
Here was my reply.
Chemistry is nonsense really. Why give certain things that you want and seek some nebulous, intangible term?!?
If you don't want someone who is 70 lbs. overweight, that's not the desire for chemistry that's the desire to not be with someone morbidly obese.
If you want someone who is physically active, then you don't want chemistry, you want someone with a certain ability to run, bike, skate play a rigorous athletic game.
If you want someone who has a great sense of humor, that isn't chemistry that's seeking a particular personality trait.
Then you get those who say, "Well it's not just looks, it's not just a personality trait."
I say, "Fine, then you want a certain combination of personality traits and personal attributes, that's all. Whatever."
Chemistry has become a bit personal for me, because it's been leading to some major frustration. I've gone out on 4 dates this past summer and with all 4 women I never made it to the 2nd date. (What an admission!) Anyway, 3 out of 4 of the women either told me or their friends who I knew that there wasn't chemistry. After that happened the 1st 2 times, I became very desperate and tried to rewind the date and look at what I had done. I desperately needed to find out what I had done WRONG so that I wouldn't do it again & then hopefully have better results.
Date #4 occurred last Friday. Everything went well. We had great conversation, I was impressed with her, she complemented me at certain points during the date, I even made her laugh. Everything went well from beginning to end. So what happened yesterday? She told me she had a great time. She told me I'm a wonderful person, very good listener, really nice person. She stated I did everything well on the date!! I even asked her if the fact that I'm somewhat overweight (by about 30-50 lbs) had anything to do with her decision and she said no because she had a strong relationship with someone over 300 lbs. But she would not go out with me again because there wasn't enough chemistry between us! She said chemistry is hard to come by. She said if there were 100 guys (and the group had different characteristics both physically and personality wise) she would at the most pick 2 of them because there wouldn't be any chemistry between her & the other 98 or 99.
Well you know what? I can't be upset with this woman at all, primarily because she explained clearly what happened to me when I dated this summer, and I had no idea before. She was very honest, upfront with me and answered all my questions about the aftermath in a very forthright manner. & if she is holding out for the 1 guy who can inspire her/motivate her, well, more power to her, I guess.
But the problem is that it would have been easier if I was doing something wrong on the date. Then I could correct what I was doing wrong and then I could go out on the elusive 2nd date, maybe have that relationship/love I've been looking for. As it stands now, if I date the same type of women I have this summer, I could date 20 or 30 times more (which basically takes us to the end of next year), do everything right on the date and never go on a 2nd date. All because of the dreaded "chemistry". & the thing is that you don't know, really, which women want certain attributes and which ones want the elusive "chemistry". After this summer of dating, I really resent chemistry - that word, that idea, that onerous pursuit.
Part 1 of 2
Guys, what do you think is "chemistry"?
Here was my reply.
Chemistry is nonsense really. Why give certain things that you want and seek some nebulous, intangible term?!?
If you don't want someone who is 70 lbs. overweight, that's not the desire for chemistry that's the desire to not be with someone morbidly obese.
If you want someone who is physically active, then you don't want chemistry, you want someone with a certain ability to run, bike, skate play a rigorous athletic game.
If you want someone who has a great sense of humor, that isn't chemistry that's seeking a particular personality trait.
Then you get those who say, "Well it's not just looks, it's not just a personality trait."
I say, "Fine, then you want a certain combination of personality traits and personal attributes, that's all. Whatever."
Chemistry has become a bit personal for me, because it's been leading to some major frustration. I've gone out on 4 dates this past summer and with all 4 women I never made it to the 2nd date. (What an admission!) Anyway, 3 out of 4 of the women either told me or their friends who I knew that there wasn't chemistry. After that happened the 1st 2 times, I became very desperate and tried to rewind the date and look at what I had done. I desperately needed to find out what I had done WRONG so that I wouldn't do it again & then hopefully have better results.
Date #4 occurred last Friday. Everything went well. We had great conversation, I was impressed with her, she complemented me at certain points during the date, I even made her laugh. Everything went well from beginning to end. So what happened yesterday? She told me she had a great time. She told me I'm a wonderful person, very good listener, really nice person. She stated I did everything well on the date!! I even asked her if the fact that I'm somewhat overweight (by about 30-50 lbs) had anything to do with her decision and she said no because she had a strong relationship with someone over 300 lbs. But she would not go out with me again because there wasn't enough chemistry between us! She said chemistry is hard to come by. She said if there were 100 guys (and the group had different characteristics both physically and personality wise) she would at the most pick 2 of them because there wouldn't be any chemistry between her & the other 98 or 99.
Well you know what? I can't be upset with this woman at all, primarily because she explained clearly what happened to me when I dated this summer, and I had no idea before. She was very honest, upfront with me and answered all my questions about the aftermath in a very forthright manner. & if she is holding out for the 1 guy who can inspire her/motivate her, well, more power to her, I guess.
But the problem is that it would have been easier if I was doing something wrong on the date. Then I could correct what I was doing wrong and then I could go out on the elusive 2nd date, maybe have that relationship/love I've been looking for. As it stands now, if I date the same type of women I have this summer, I could date 20 or 30 times more (which basically takes us to the end of next year), do everything right on the date and never go on a 2nd date. All because of the dreaded "chemistry". & the thing is that you don't know, really, which women want certain attributes and which ones want the elusive "chemistry". After this summer of dating, I really resent chemistry - that word, that idea, that onerous pursuit.
Part 1 of 2
Monday, September 11, 2006
An ambitious little girl!
My kids are pretty young and if I’m not attentive they can create a pretty big mess in my apartment; however, they are slowly learning to clean up after themselves. Also, my sons are learning how to do laundry, clean the toilet, scrub the sink, sort out laundry and put away clean clothes, etc.
Yesterday, a surprising moment occurred. Minutes after getting the kids situated after their arrival, I decided to sweep and mop the bathroom floor (after not doing so for about 3 months, it seemed like a good idea).
Around the time I was finished mopping and putting things back, my youngest, my 4-yr. old daughter, Brianna, came up to me and said, "I want to mop the kitchen floor, Daddy." So I told her that before we mop the floor, we have to sweep it first. So as I moved objects out of the kitchen, Brianna swept the floor. She even was able to use the broom and the dust pan at the same time. When she mopped the floor she would dip the mop into the bucket but (even after showing her how) she would forget to squeeze the water out of the mop before mopping the floor. So, the floor became almost poolike as Brianna drenched the kitchen floor while mopping it. (That was probably fortuitous because it gave me a 2nd opportunity to wipe the formerly-dirty floor back to cleanliness.) Of course, I gently corrected her, and at the same time wanted to encourage and foster the idea of what a "wonderful activity" sweeping and mopping the floor was. Also, I paid her $2, and she told me where we would spend the money she has saved in her little horsey bank.
So, inspite of my favorite team losing badly, Sunday was a happy day and maybe my floors will get cleaned more regularly than once a season (whether they need it or not)!
Friday, September 01, 2006
Grateful, but want to be quieter
Yes, it's the start of a nice long weekend, but I am less than happy. Now life treats me no better or worse than anyone else (& certainly better than all the billions starving in Africa and Asia), I don't feel unfairly treated. I'm neither angry nor distraught.
Disappointed? Yes maybe a little. So I wrote this.
THE VIRTUES OF RETICENCE
Don’t tell your friend how bad you feel when he or she tells you of their pain and suffering. You’ll only make them feel worse
Don’t dump an upsetting problem on a person who you thought was a friend, but really wasn’t. They’ll think you’re a mental case.
Don’t be sad and downcast to people on Tuesday after telling anyone who cared to listen to you about what a great weekend you will have. People will wonder why you built your hopes so high.
After a life-changing tragedy, don’t tell people how devastated you are, because they will wonder and theorize "what’s really wrong with you".
Only say good, positive things on your first date and put forth a "winning persona". Don’t say anything self-deprecating on your first date or admit any flaws because when they think about whether or not to go out with you again (or even talk to you again) they’ll only remember what you did or said wrong.
If you don’t hear from your 1st date for a number of days, don’t call them and ask what went wrong. Being the kind, sweet, considerate person she is, she will only give you a kind, sweet, considerate excuse. They’ll tell you about how crazy it’s been at work rather than the fact that they were bothered by you admitting your "little bitty apartment resembled a pigsty".
Don’t get fired at work, because as soon as you leave, people will talk about what a lousy worker you were.
Don’t ever lose your temper no matter what or someone will think that you’re a dangerous sociopath. (Never thinking about what they did to provoke it in the first place.)
Don’t tell someone your upset with, that you’ll never speak to them again. You’ll get the irresistable urge to say something later.
Don’t lose a friend, you’ll have a very difficult time getting them back.
Don’t vent in chat or a message board. Readers are unlikely to feel your points as keenly as you do and they’ll wonder what your problem is. They’ll might even think you’re disturbed.
Remember these famous and not so famous quotes:
Do 200 things well and make one big mistake, guess what people will remember?
Laugh and the world laughs with you, cry and you cry alone.
If you feel good, don’t worry, you’ll get over it!
Oh, but there are a few saving graces: only tell God how frustrated and angry you are. Only tell God that your not sure how to solve a problem. If you admit your mistakes and sins to God, it won’t come back to haunt you later. God won’t hold your past work experiences against you. God won’t make you feel embarassed about the time you couldn’t stand it anymore and cried. God won’t ridicule you if you said the wrong thing.
Disappointed? Yes maybe a little. So I wrote this.
THE VIRTUES OF RETICENCE
Don’t tell your friend how bad you feel when he or she tells you of their pain and suffering. You’ll only make them feel worse
Don’t dump an upsetting problem on a person who you thought was a friend, but really wasn’t. They’ll think you’re a mental case.
Don’t be sad and downcast to people on Tuesday after telling anyone who cared to listen to you about what a great weekend you will have. People will wonder why you built your hopes so high.
After a life-changing tragedy, don’t tell people how devastated you are, because they will wonder and theorize "what’s really wrong with you".
Only say good, positive things on your first date and put forth a "winning persona". Don’t say anything self-deprecating on your first date or admit any flaws because when they think about whether or not to go out with you again (or even talk to you again) they’ll only remember what you did or said wrong.
If you don’t hear from your 1st date for a number of days, don’t call them and ask what went wrong. Being the kind, sweet, considerate person she is, she will only give you a kind, sweet, considerate excuse. They’ll tell you about how crazy it’s been at work rather than the fact that they were bothered by you admitting your "little bitty apartment resembled a pigsty".
Don’t get fired at work, because as soon as you leave, people will talk about what a lousy worker you were.
Don’t ever lose your temper no matter what or someone will think that you’re a dangerous sociopath. (Never thinking about what they did to provoke it in the first place.)
Don’t tell someone your upset with, that you’ll never speak to them again. You’ll get the irresistable urge to say something later.
Don’t lose a friend, you’ll have a very difficult time getting them back.
Don’t vent in chat or a message board. Readers are unlikely to feel your points as keenly as you do and they’ll wonder what your problem is. They’ll might even think you’re disturbed.
Remember these famous and not so famous quotes:
Do 200 things well and make one big mistake, guess what people will remember?
Laugh and the world laughs with you, cry and you cry alone.
If you feel good, don’t worry, you’ll get over it!
Oh, but there are a few saving graces: only tell God how frustrated and angry you are. Only tell God that your not sure how to solve a problem. If you admit your mistakes and sins to God, it won’t come back to haunt you later. God won’t hold your past work experiences against you. God won’t make you feel embarassed about the time you couldn’t stand it anymore and cried. God won’t ridicule you if you said the wrong thing.
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