the gift of excellent co-workers

I am blessed to have excellent co-workers at both the law firm and the hospital where I work. I had an incident on Christmas Eve that I wanted to share, and it's about my friend/co-worker, Galyn. The day of December 24 I had a hard time sleeping. The thing is that (I said this on a previous blog) I don't want to turn into Elvis - one who needs a pill to be awake, a pill to sleep, a pill to be happy and a pill to crap.

I do enough medication as it is not to turn out like him. & while I am now 43 and he died at the young age of 42, I still want to live for awhile. Going back to the the ex will do that to a person, and even moreso having wonderful kids.

So I came to the job not knowing what to expect the night before I got 8 hrs. but after 12:00 pm it's important to get 3 hrs. before work and put your body into "night shift mode". I didn't get that on Dec. 24. I told my co-worker, Gina, about my plight, and I told her that I was worried that if I might fall asleep, get caught and then get fired.

Then Gina replied, "Vince, I wouldn't do you like that". I felt such gratitude when she said that. The idea that she would take it upon herself to look out for me, to have my back! That really made my night and gave me a newfound confidence that things were going to be ok. That I wouldn't have problems, that I wouldn't get fired and endanger the financial health of myself and my family. On XMAS Eve, what she said felt like a sublime gift.

The wonderful thing is that incident is just 1 example of a good friendship at work. There will be times when we share things and are totally confident that it won't go past the 4 walls of our tele room. There are favors too numerous to mention herein that just make a person know that they're lucky to have met that persona and got to know them.

I remember when I was a young person in my 20s that when I got along really well with a woman, I would want to hug or kiss them. Surprisingly enough, I wasn't so backwards that I would do that arbitrarily, but I certainly would look for the opportunity. But now, I realize there are other elements more noteworthy and meaningful to a relationship than a physical act. If Gina has "my back" that means far more than a kiss or a hug. (& besides, what 20something would want to be hugged or kissed by a fat old man like me, anyway?). That also makes me happy because it makes the relationship that much more stable since neither one of us want to mistakenly try to make more of the platonic, working relationship than it is. Anytime there is stability you have to be very thankful.

I also work at a law firm, and I am good friends with those that I work with as well. & there is the same dynamic that I am old enough to be everyone else's father in the small clerk's office. However, I don't have any relationships as nice as the one with Gina.

Drawing closer in bad times

Maribeth's mother died at 79. She has been sick for awhile. She was afflicted by the MRSA bacteria (Google it if you don't know) for over a month, and she suffered mental illness for nearly 40 years. Maribeth's sister, Diane Duffe, wrote something very nice about her in the online guestbook (which is at http://www.legacy.com/chicagotribune/Obituaries.asp?Page=SearchResults , look under 12/14/2006 for DeMars, Betty Ann)
The wake and funeral were all the same day, Saturday.
We all heard the saying, "When it rains, it pours". On Sunday, after a leak in the 1st Floor bathroom, part of the basement ceiling collapsed. Instead of Maribeth being at her father's place until 11am, she didn't come home until 4. So I said, "Maribeth, I'm sorry about the ceiling. That must have been a real pain! & so soon after the funeral"
Now, usually, Maribeth would go into a monologue of how difficult things are. However, this time she said, "that's ok". I was very impressed because it showed a certain newfound resiliance to her. That could be one of a number of factors why this time we stay together.

In general, we do come upon disagreements (much less than before), but it's only led to 2 or 3 heated arguments, and the arguments aren't the "barn burners" they used to be. So, I'm very encouraged by what has happened since November 5 when I first started living with her again. Plus, a few of the disagreements are my fault. I have a tendency to take clothes I wear and sling them over a chair rather than put them in the hamper or in the alternative hang them up in the closet. So I need to take a little more time in keeping our modest condo more neat.



At the funeral, Diane, my son Andy, and I all give eulogies. One can see the reference I make to getting back together in my eulogy. Also, my wife wrote a eulogy and a poem. Both were very articulate. She also directed me to read from Eclesiates, & the passage read was then turned into a song "Turn, Turn, Turn" by the Byrds in the 60s. Here is what I said:


BETTY REMEMBERED
All of us here have been fortunate enough to spend some time with Betty, whether it be a husband, daughter, nephew, grandchild or even a son in law. I’m sure many of you recall how enjoyable it was to watch a movie with Betty because she usually knew all the actors and actresses in the movie. Or sometimes, in a light moment, Betty would sing in her sweet alto voice. But most of all, Betty had a quiet dignity whether it was watching her grandchildren, making a meal, watching her Cubs, and just sitting down and talking to her. Betty also had a strength about her as she faced illness through much of her life.
We are confronted with a great loss as we grapple with her no longer being with us. As Betty now watches down over us from heaven we are given a choice of whether we become weaker as a result of losing someone so dear.
In the alternative, we could strengthen old friendships and seek out new friends. We can be inspired by Betty’s loss and look at what brings us together instead of what tears us apart. We can choose NOT to be diminished by her loss and realize that we too need to be ready when God calls us to heaven." -


ONE LAST THING
I am truly impressed with my youngest brother, Kelly. He and his family were on vacation when Betty died. As they were coming back to Wisconsin (where they live), Kelly's wife and kids went to Milwaukee (where her family is) and Kelly stopped by Tinley Park, IL where the funeral was. Maribeth's father and his 2 daughters had not picked out pallbearers (our job was very abbreviated as there was no *burial service. All we had to do was lift the casket off the cart and into the hearse; it took less than a minute). So during the wake I asked Kelly if he could be a pallbearer, and he gracefully accepted. What he did was nothing short of impressive, and he is greatly appreciated for it.

*No burial service due to financial constraints.

A night at the Daley Ctr, LOOP area of Chicago

We went to the Daley Center and had German food and hot chocalate. The XMAS tree is really about 60 ft. tall but is made up of about 8 pines. Very fun outing.

1st miracle witnessed?

Well, it's official. I'm back with my ex wife. I am giving my landlord 2 months notice as my lease ends Jan. 31. We have no idea what the future holds; we have no plans to vacate the divorce decree. But the fact that I am still paying her child support means that I don't pay by check for household expenses. It's still roughly 50-50, and I'm obviously putting more money into the household than when I lived in Midlothian.

Why did she change her mind?
She thought she had cancer, and I helped her and helped also with the kids. I was there during a crisis. & I've been there to help them and put aside partisanship repeatedly in the past.
Nothing really funky happened during the marriage that made us think it's impossible to go back to ex-spouse. There was no cheating. The relationship went into coma due to combat fatigue - too much arguing.
She said that she was tired and that life was hard without me. In her words, she said she was tired of burning the candle at both ends.

We had our first unresolved fight last night, but the thing is that we do far less arguing than before. I can't say that things are going to be hunky dory from now on. I can't even say we're going to remarry. For right now, we are pooling our money together, saving money and we'll see what happens. I've already told the kids that if, God forbid, the relationship fails, please don't think that they had anything to do with contributing to the failure. I told them that they can only make things better, can only create a positive, not a negative. They understand.