It’s funny how when you feel your worst, that’s necessarily when you want to write. After all, you have to vent, right??? But then I get some sleep, I feel better, not struggling as much and am working at the 2nd job which is more enjoyable (oh hey, I’m not slamming the 1st job; it would be wonderful if it wasn’t for the continual harassment by the dreaded Sandman). I am looking forward to my date tomorrow, if it goes (hopefully, I’m trying to “keep both feet on the ground).
So what I’m saying is that I look like a “Hot Mess” (an expression used occasionally at the hospital), but I just have so much to “get through”, to overcome. Which isn’t really that different than others, is it?
Thursday, January 26, 2006
Friday, January 20, 2006
Some good news (for a change)
Best news I’ve had since the New Year started. I belong to an international dating group, Christian Mingle. I guess I was a bit down about it last post. Yesterday, I spoke with a nurse from the Philippines who emigrated to the US and lives about 8 miles away from me. We agreed not only to a first date but she enthusiastically accepted my offer to help prepare her resume, cover letter and maybe the job search for a hospital job as a nurse.
I am happy with the prospects of actually dating someone. There’s even the possibility (low, high possibility, who knows????)of it not merely being a platonic as it was with Ava. I also really enjoy helping others, and it will be fun working on her resume. The whole job search process is one I am very familiar with. I was looking exactly 1 yr. ago and through most of 2005.
Through all of this happiness, I am reminded of a somewhat true, somewhat fictional story. There was a 30 yr. old woman, Faye. Years before she got married but the marriage ended with a bitter divorce. But at 28 she found Paul who would be her life partner for 60 years. When she was married for 1 year, she became pregnant with their 1st child. When she took the Walgreens pregnancy test and it was positive she screamed and jumped for joy. Paul couldn’t help but be excited too. They wanted to have 2 kids ultimately. Then everyone in Faye’s life who was a friend with her knew the GREAT NEWS. Faye told everyone who cared to listen. Faye told everyone the plans that Paul & her were going to have with their “new bundle of joy”. Some people were even getting sick of her talking so much about her pregnancy and onset of morning sickness.
1 month later, she miscarried. She was devastated, she felt terrible. She told people, especially her husband who was with her through it all about how she almost died of sepsis on the ER table. Paul wondered if that was really true because it didn’t seem that way to him. But he didn’t dare contest Faye’s view of these sad events.
Faye finally learned her lesson. Miscarriages happen a lot more than people think. There’s a lot of woman whose 1st pregnancy ends in a miscarriage. In reality, I personally know of at least 3 women who had that happen to them on their 1st pregnancy. Some of you readers might know women like that too.
Faye learned not to be so ecstatic 'til after the baby was born. Faye learned not to say anything to friends about pregnancy until the 1st trimester is over (which is when a majority of miscarriages take place. majority, not all miscarriages) Faye had an excellent OB/GYN physician when she got pregnant 2 more times. Paul & Faye realized their dream of having 2 children who grew up to be upstanding adults because of the immense love their 2 parents bestowed upon them.
Now this made up, rudimentary story isn’t supposed to warm the cockles of your heart. It merely is a reminder to “not count your chickens before they’re hatched”. It’s a lesson for me as much as anyone. I haven’t met this 1st date yet. I don’t know what’s going to happen. I can’t make plans yet of how things will be “once we get seriously involved.” That just isn’t wise.
I got to be like that song “Peaceful Easy Feeling” by the Eagles. Here’s the line below of what I’m thinking:
“I have a peaceful easy feeling. & I know that you won’t let me down. Cuz’ I’m already standing on the ground.”
I am happy with the prospects of actually dating someone. There’s even the possibility (low, high possibility, who knows????)of it not merely being a platonic as it was with Ava. I also really enjoy helping others, and it will be fun working on her resume. The whole job search process is one I am very familiar with. I was looking exactly 1 yr. ago and through most of 2005.
Through all of this happiness, I am reminded of a somewhat true, somewhat fictional story. There was a 30 yr. old woman, Faye. Years before she got married but the marriage ended with a bitter divorce. But at 28 she found Paul who would be her life partner for 60 years. When she was married for 1 year, she became pregnant with their 1st child. When she took the Walgreens pregnancy test and it was positive she screamed and jumped for joy. Paul couldn’t help but be excited too. They wanted to have 2 kids ultimately. Then everyone in Faye’s life who was a friend with her knew the GREAT NEWS. Faye told everyone who cared to listen. Faye told everyone the plans that Paul & her were going to have with their “new bundle of joy”. Some people were even getting sick of her talking so much about her pregnancy and onset of morning sickness.
1 month later, she miscarried. She was devastated, she felt terrible. She told people, especially her husband who was with her through it all about how she almost died of sepsis on the ER table. Paul wondered if that was really true because it didn’t seem that way to him. But he didn’t dare contest Faye’s view of these sad events.
Faye finally learned her lesson. Miscarriages happen a lot more than people think. There’s a lot of woman whose 1st pregnancy ends in a miscarriage. In reality, I personally know of at least 3 women who had that happen to them on their 1st pregnancy. Some of you readers might know women like that too.
Faye learned not to be so ecstatic 'til after the baby was born. Faye learned not to say anything to friends about pregnancy until the 1st trimester is over (which is when a majority of miscarriages take place. majority, not all miscarriages) Faye had an excellent OB/GYN physician when she got pregnant 2 more times. Paul & Faye realized their dream of having 2 children who grew up to be upstanding adults because of the immense love their 2 parents bestowed upon them.
Now this made up, rudimentary story isn’t supposed to warm the cockles of your heart. It merely is a reminder to “not count your chickens before they’re hatched”. It’s a lesson for me as much as anyone. I haven’t met this 1st date yet. I don’t know what’s going to happen. I can’t make plans yet of how things will be “once we get seriously involved.” That just isn’t wise.
I got to be like that song “Peaceful Easy Feeling” by the Eagles. Here’s the line below of what I’m thinking:
“I have a peaceful easy feeling. & I know that you won’t let me down. Cuz’ I’m already standing on the ground.”
Saturday, January 14, 2006
rage & lacerations
lacerations and rage have an interesting thing in common; they are both 2 dimensional. But neither one of them are 2 dimensional in the way one would think.
When you hold a typical paper in your hand, it's 8" x 11". 8" wide, 11" long. BUt neither lacerations and rage are measured that way. They are measured by length but NOT width, but rather depth. Back in '78 when my brother accidentally threw a board with a nail in it, the nail sliced my leg. It was 4 inches long and about 1 inch deep. I rec'd 4 stitches that disintegrated for the inner part of the cut, then they put 5 stitches on the skin that were later pulled out on the skin level.
What about rage? Well the length of your anger is the number of topics that truly piss you off. THe depth of your rage is the intensity of how fucking angry you are.
My rage feels like a 30 stitch gash next to my left lung.
I'm about ready to go to work. Since drinking isn't appropriate, I thought emptying my bottle of Southern Comfort was a bad idea. So I decided to do something worse. IN honor of the 4 week bout of bronchitis that has developed in pleurisy (scar tissue found in my lower lung) I decided to smoke a bowful of tobacco. Since I have no one to blame for my 4 week battle, I might as well blame myself. So let's light up. The scar tissue makes the lung hurt anyway, so why don't I use pain to stay good and alert during the night shift. I think that makes perfect sense.
What about topics that I'm truly upset about? I can't mention what happened on Monday but my rage from that incident, on a scale from 1-100, is about 88.
Why does my dating website suck so bad? I have gotten 2 women that really want to date me. Guess where they're from????????? South Africa and Little Rock, AR. I asked the woman from S. Africa if the long distance seemed like a problem. In so many words, she said not really. Hmmmmmmmmmm. Why?
I really love life. I'm bleeding but there are no stitches. I'm angry but it's not going to soothe anytime soon.
When you hold a typical paper in your hand, it's 8" x 11". 8" wide, 11" long. BUt neither lacerations and rage are measured that way. They are measured by length but NOT width, but rather depth. Back in '78 when my brother accidentally threw a board with a nail in it, the nail sliced my leg. It was 4 inches long and about 1 inch deep. I rec'd 4 stitches that disintegrated for the inner part of the cut, then they put 5 stitches on the skin that were later pulled out on the skin level.
What about rage? Well the length of your anger is the number of topics that truly piss you off. THe depth of your rage is the intensity of how fucking angry you are.
My rage feels like a 30 stitch gash next to my left lung.
I'm about ready to go to work. Since drinking isn't appropriate, I thought emptying my bottle of Southern Comfort was a bad idea. So I decided to do something worse. IN honor of the 4 week bout of bronchitis that has developed in pleurisy (scar tissue found in my lower lung) I decided to smoke a bowful of tobacco. Since I have no one to blame for my 4 week battle, I might as well blame myself. So let's light up. The scar tissue makes the lung hurt anyway, so why don't I use pain to stay good and alert during the night shift. I think that makes perfect sense.
What about topics that I'm truly upset about? I can't mention what happened on Monday but my rage from that incident, on a scale from 1-100, is about 88.
Why does my dating website suck so bad? I have gotten 2 women that really want to date me. Guess where they're from????????? South Africa and Little Rock, AR. I asked the woman from S. Africa if the long distance seemed like a problem. In so many words, she said not really. Hmmmmmmmmmm. Why?
I really love life. I'm bleeding but there are no stitches. I'm angry but it's not going to soothe anytime soon.
Friday, January 13, 2006
Good news/Bad news
I'm happy that I have lost weight. I gained 20 pounds last winter & it took me about 9 months to lose it. Then for a month or 2 I've been in somewhat of a stalemate of trying to lose but not being able to do so. This winter, after reviewing what happened last winter, I set my mind to losing weight. I got disciplined, didn't overindulge in holiday candy, but only lost a paltry 6 pounds. I haven't been working out, so I know I wasn't going to lose 20 pounds in a month (I don't even think one is supposed to do that unless they're morbidly obese).
Then I lost some more weight but not the way I planned. In mid - Dec. up to the current time, I've been afflicted with bronchitis. I've been coughing so much that when they did a chest x-ray they found a spot on my lower left lung which they said was scar tissue from coughing so much. It also hurts in that part of the lung.
Bummer. Well at least I lost another 4 lbs. That's more good news. I hope to lose another 25 so that I get to the ideal weight on my 6'2" frame. My goal is about 205. I just hope this respiratory infection, doesn't keep lingering because I'm hoping I don't need that to lose weight.
Then I lost some more weight but not the way I planned. In mid - Dec. up to the current time, I've been afflicted with bronchitis. I've been coughing so much that when they did a chest x-ray they found a spot on my lower left lung which they said was scar tissue from coughing so much. It also hurts in that part of the lung.
Bummer. Well at least I lost another 4 lbs. That's more good news. I hope to lose another 25 so that I get to the ideal weight on my 6'2" frame. My goal is about 205. I just hope this respiratory infection, doesn't keep lingering because I'm hoping I don't need that to lose weight.
Saturday, January 07, 2006
Friday, January 06, 2006
Saved
I bought the DVD and then saw SAVED with Mandy Moore.
SEE
The movie was too simplistic; I still enjoyed it, though. I bought the movie in the 1st place because I consider myself pretty religious but have a strong antipathy towards the "Holier than Thou" types like Jerry Falwell and Pat Robertson. Plus, those 2 are big time Republicans and that makes them less likable as well (now remember, most of my family is Republican but I get along fine with them). I also have dealt with Holier than Thou types on a personal level. Someone who I am close to on a personal level is older than me, and I wish I was closer to her, but when ever she relates to me it seems to be on a preachy, didactic way. She's a good person but we'd be a lot more close if she would listen more and preach less. My 1st college roommate was a Fundamentalist; that had its good and bad moments as well. About the movie, here's my likes and dislikes: Like: - good, plausible plot which is saying a lot these days. Not a great plot but that's discussed in the 1st "Dislike" -likable characters -the whole premise of young people out there that think they know it all but really don't and are basically the tools of a group bigger than them is something that really happens in the US and other places -good lesson on what happens if you use your friends as Mandy Moore's character does Dislike -Mandy Moore's character is too 2-dimensional, too black & white -would have been more interesting to see the plot develop her parents' characters more. How was she shaped/socialized? Not sure how valid this concern is as it's only 90some minutes long; not a documentary -doesn't really answer the following question (maybe not enough time to do so, again it wasn't a documentary): if you follow God and you care about others, what should you do when you see friends "taking the wrong path" in life? To Mandy Moore's character, the solution is obvious, but the answer really isn't. At work, I became friends with someone who wasn't a Fundamentalist, wasn't an Evangelical, basically came up with her "own religion". She was extremely knowledgeable about the Bible and that, I think, is pretty admirable. Yet, people at work held her in suspicion because she criticized the way others acted. She explained it to me like this, "If you see someone walk in quicksand, do you reason with them or do you try to stop them right then and there?" Good question. But maybe the wrong analogy. The point is that falling away from God's path isn't as quick as quicksand. So the actions to take may be better if there less intrusive. Mandy Moore's character generates too much heat and not enough light. She'd be better off asking questions than trying to give all the answers. I think one of the best ways to persuade people is by asking them the "right questions". So in the end, Saved is a movie I'd recommend for others interested in the same topic.
SEE
The movie was too simplistic; I still enjoyed it, though. I bought the movie in the 1st place because I consider myself pretty religious but have a strong antipathy towards the "Holier than Thou" types like Jerry Falwell and Pat Robertson. Plus, those 2 are big time Republicans and that makes them less likable as well (now remember, most of my family is Republican but I get along fine with them). I also have dealt with Holier than Thou types on a personal level. Someone who I am close to on a personal level is older than me, and I wish I was closer to her, but when ever she relates to me it seems to be on a preachy, didactic way. She's a good person but we'd be a lot more close if she would listen more and preach less. My 1st college roommate was a Fundamentalist; that had its good and bad moments as well. About the movie, here's my likes and dislikes: Like: - good, plausible plot which is saying a lot these days. Not a great plot but that's discussed in the 1st "Dislike" -likable characters -the whole premise of young people out there that think they know it all but really don't and are basically the tools of a group bigger than them is something that really happens in the US and other places -good lesson on what happens if you use your friends as Mandy Moore's character does Dislike -Mandy Moore's character is too 2-dimensional, too black & white -would have been more interesting to see the plot develop her parents' characters more. How was she shaped/socialized? Not sure how valid this concern is as it's only 90some minutes long; not a documentary -doesn't really answer the following question (maybe not enough time to do so, again it wasn't a documentary): if you follow God and you care about others, what should you do when you see friends "taking the wrong path" in life? To Mandy Moore's character, the solution is obvious, but the answer really isn't. At work, I became friends with someone who wasn't a Fundamentalist, wasn't an Evangelical, basically came up with her "own religion". She was extremely knowledgeable about the Bible and that, I think, is pretty admirable. Yet, people at work held her in suspicion because she criticized the way others acted. She explained it to me like this, "If you see someone walk in quicksand, do you reason with them or do you try to stop them right then and there?" Good question. But maybe the wrong analogy. The point is that falling away from God's path isn't as quick as quicksand. So the actions to take may be better if there less intrusive. Mandy Moore's character generates too much heat and not enough light. She'd be better off asking questions than trying to give all the answers. I think one of the best ways to persuade people is by asking them the "right questions". So in the end, Saved is a movie I'd recommend for others interested in the same topic.
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