lacerations and rage have an interesting thing in common; they are both 2 dimensional. But neither one of them are 2 dimensional in the way one would think.
When you hold a typical paper in your hand, it's 8" x 11". 8" wide, 11" long. BUt neither lacerations and rage are measured that way. They are measured by length but NOT width, but rather depth. Back in '78 when my brother accidentally threw a board with a nail in it, the nail sliced my leg. It was 4 inches long and about 1 inch deep. I rec'd 4 stitches that disintegrated for the inner part of the cut, then they put 5 stitches on the skin that were later pulled out on the skin level.
What about rage? Well the length of your anger is the number of topics that truly piss you off. THe depth of your rage is the intensity of how fucking angry you are.
My rage feels like a 30 stitch gash next to my left lung.
I'm about ready to go to work. Since drinking isn't appropriate, I thought emptying my bottle of Southern Comfort was a bad idea. So I decided to do something worse. IN honor of the 4 week bout of bronchitis that has developed in pleurisy (scar tissue found in my lower lung) I decided to smoke a bowful of tobacco. Since I have no one to blame for my 4 week battle, I might as well blame myself. So let's light up. The scar tissue makes the lung hurt anyway, so why don't I use pain to stay good and alert during the night shift. I think that makes perfect sense.
What about topics that I'm truly upset about? I can't mention what happened on Monday but my rage from that incident, on a scale from 1-100, is about 88.
Why does my dating website suck so bad? I have gotten 2 women that really want to date me. Guess where they're from????????? South Africa and Little Rock, AR. I asked the woman from S. Africa if the long distance seemed like a problem. In so many words, she said not really. Hmmmmmmmmmm. Why?
I really love life. I'm bleeding but there are no stitches. I'm angry but it's not going to soothe anytime soon.
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I make a pretty concerted effort to not discuss or show or take out my problems on my kids. The brightest part of my life is the fact that I have a very good relationship with my kids. Andy & I can talk about anything (anything is not limitless since he's only 10). Whenever I sit down to watch something the other 2 kids always want to be on my lap. So I'm happy. THey have all done well in school and they all respond when I tell them they get paid for doing chores.
The 2nd x-ray came back and said my resp. infection is over with. I said to the MD that I'm still coming up with phlegm (sorry if that's too graphic) but he said that's merely residual.
As far as Ava goes, I always knew that the relationship was platonic. What I couldn't understand why it hurt that a loss of a simple platonic relationship would hurt????
What bothers me the most is working nights. It's a very unnatural activity to force oneself to stay up all night and be alert all the way to 7:15 am. I HATE DOING THAT. But they don't have better shifts open at the hospital. The lack of sleep makes me feel miserable.
Should I look for another hospital to work at? Yeah, probably. It hurts to leave some good, close relationships that I have developed at the hospital. (Not boyfriend-girlfriend but just friends)
The other part of me says if I go to part time in the 2nd half of April & thereafter then I can cope with working night shift much better.
Of all the problems I have (& there AREN'T that many, really), working night shift on a regular basis is by far the worst one. It greatly reduces the amount of sleep I get. & I've seen, personally experience a strong corolary factor that the more tired you are the quicker it is to become depressed.
So, in a nutshell, that is the biggest problem by far. That fuelled much of the anger I had when I wrote this very post and was the subject of the "Monday incident" which I still don't really want to talk about.
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