A couple weeks ago, my fiance, Pat, left the hospital. She had been in the hospital for 2 weeks, because her kidneys were in bad shape. Then they found out that she had a heart attack. It damaged a small proportion of her heart, strangely the bottom of her heart. She later needs open heart surgery to bypass the blockage and give more blood and the oxygen that comes with it to another part of her heart.
So, she left the hospital. So, where did Pat go after she left the hospital? Well, there was kinda sorta a choice.
If she went to her daughter's place, she would be in a townhouse. It's a beautiful townhouse maybe built a decade ago. There would be people at the house with the opportunity to take care of her 24/7. She absolutely, positively loves her grandkids. They would be with her when they weren't at school. Her dialysis is nearby in the same town as her daughter's; she has to go there at 5AM.
OR
My place - I live in a 2 bedroom condo. Contrary to the townhouse, my condo was built in 1972. To get to my condo, you climb 3 flights of stairs. I live on the 3rd floor with no elevator. This is very bad for a woman who has very diminished cardiovascular capacity. If she was living with me, when I go to work, when I run an errand, she's all alone. No grandkids....they are 30some, 40some miles away.
So solution is obvious and the logic is brutal (from my perspective). & for her to come to my place just to visit maybe stay the night, she can't come if she has dialysis the next morning unless we want to get up before 4am. So, she's at her daughter's place to stay. She's not coming to live in the condo anymore. After about 7 years, she's gone. Because the solution is obvious and the logic is brutal (from my perspective).
What's the sense of even calling her my "fiance' " if she can't even live with me in the foreseeable future???
The new normal
I'm all alone, well there is my cat, Princess.
Sometimes I feel bad for Princess because she feels so needy if I'm gone for hours, and I come back. SHe's at the door as I make my way up the stairs. She's meowing like mad. She hates being alone.....like my "fiance' " I suppose it's more accurate to say that Pat's health is such that she is unable to be alone. I was dreading moments like now. When the realization that there's a good chance she'll never come back hits. When I feel like being with her and at the moment she doesn't call or text back to me.
There's going to be a lot painful moments like now. Being alone, like I was through 90% of my 20s. That empty feeling, the hope that some book, magazine article, streaming TV or TV documentary will keep you company. Actually, right now, I'm listening to a Jack Johnson greatest hits album, and it's beautiful. I love every song on it. How I wish this album would never end or at least not end until this lonely feeling is over hours from now. I just discovered YouTube chose another Jack Johnson for me and the next Jack Johnson album after that is about an 1 hr, 20 min long. Thank God for small favors.
I would lay down and try to slumber away this melancholy, but it's too hot (90 deg Fahrenheit), too early. I sleep on my side and my left shoulder is way toooo sore.
I could go and stop by for awhile to see my kids. Well, that carries this complication. This past spring, they bought a dog. Now, my ex always roots for the downtrodden, the hopeless. So, she got an abused pit bull dog. The dog in it's abused angry way often harasses her boyfriend...to the point, I feel sorry for him.
When I come over, she barks with such blood-curdling ferocity, such unforgivable relentlessness that my heart fills with disgust and ---e. The dog's name is Lolly, but I just call her WEDGE because she is a wedge between my dear kids and me. After all who wants to go over to hear a barking, snarling,snorting, relentlessly, loud dog? I guess if I really need to go there, they can move the dog someplace where she's not such a baleful presence.
The new norm has been imposed upon me. I'm alone in my condo, and I can't see my kids w/o special arrangements being made.
"The hours, they bring me pain." from the song "Tangerine" by Led Zeppelin
No comments:
Post a Comment