HERE'S WHY !

It's bad manners (in fact it's distasteful) to air "your dirty laundry" and explain problems/issues that go on in the privacy of your home.  Through unique circumstances  that yields more advantage than disadvantage, I live with my ex, MB.   In so doing, we more easily raise our kids together; when one person is gone to work, the other person only has to go home in order to take care of the kids (as opposed to arrangements made when you're both divorced and separated).  The arrangement we have enables us to pay our bills where we were unable to when we were apart.  Prior to the time I lived with my ex, we were behind on our mortgage and dreadfully and dangerously behind in our home equity loan.  Today, our home equity loan and mortgage are up to date in payments (thanks to MB & I working together). 

To MB's credit, she has grown emotionally, has grown as an adult (as we all must do) it's easier to get along with her than it was in 2002. I am grateful for that and for many of the things she does. 

So why am I discussing personal problems and "airing dirty laundry"? 

Because from time to time, I am asked:

"Why can't you remarry?"

"Why can't you work harder on the relationship, work things out and get back together as a full-fledged couple?"

"What went wrong in your marriage?"

It also answers the question of why I have sought affection elsewhere.  To MB's credit, she didn't freak out when I first explained the situation with her.  & when I go to my dear friend's place in Berwyn, MB doesn't make snide remarks or raise a fuss.  2 weekends ago, she even suggested I go to my dear friend's place inspite the fact I had not made plans to do so before she made the suggestion. 

So, this past week, 2 incidents have occurred that make it all crystal clear why I've been divorced and am with someone else.  This morning I informed MB that I was paying for my oldest son, Andy's school lunch.  MB thanked me.  My daughter, Brianna, then asked why Andy didn't pay lunch from the allowance he receives.  I said, "Because a kid's allowance should not be spent on that.  Parents should be responsible for a kids school lunch". 

Then MB inexplicably said, "So what's the problem with you paying for his lunch?"

I replied, "Did it sound like I objected to paying for his lunch??"

"Yes" she answered.

Stop, dear reader, stop right there and comprehend what was just said ! When I say parents should pay for their kids lunch, does that really sound like I didn't want to pay for Andy's lunch? 

The same thing happened last Sunday.  The kids were complaining far too harshly and were directing their complaints against their Mom-MB (but not me).   I told them that they were absolutely wrong for 2 reasons.  First, they should show their Mom more respect, and 2ndly their complaints were wrong because they expected too much.  What was MB's reaction??

She criticized me and completely misinterpreted and misconstrued what I was saying.  This inspite of the fact that what I said could be understood by a 5th grader, was not complex & shouldn't have been misunderstood. 

So, there's a principle defect clearly indicated.  Even when I try to help MB & support her, I get criticized.  My good intentions are impugned.  It's so frustrating ! ! ! !   & this has definitely happened a number of times in the past; it happened a number of times while I was married to her.  The fact that I have tried to help her only to be criticized and demeaned for my support, has alienated me.

Another problem in our relationship is that we both have bad tempers.  Our worst moments are when we are feeding off each other's anger while we fight with each other.  Our kids have to break up our arguments.  I don't blame them at all for being upset at our fighting ! For my part, I should control my anger better, now and definitely in the past. 

Basically, my problem and how I hurt the marriage is that I should have acted more like MB's father.  My father-in-law is very good at brushing aside and not getting mad at unreasonable remarks even when they're directed at him.  Now and in the past, when MB said something objectionable, I should have shrugged them off. 

I never or very rarely let MB's unfair remarks slide; I always get upset.  I can count on 1 hand and almost remember each time I ever just let what she said go.  It calls to mind Sarah McLachlan's song "Push" where she sings,

I get mad so easy but you give me room to breathe

No matter what I say or do 'cause you're too good to fight about it

Even when I have to push just to see how far you'll go

You wont stoop down to battle but you never turn to go

No, that doesn't describe me at all.  But I learned as a young adult that when you say something unfair or wrong against someone else, you should be corrected for it, you should be "brought to task".  But when I rigidly upheld this principle, it led to, was one of a number of reasons why  MB divorced me.  Was standing up for a reasonable principle worth it?  

I would even correct her or get upset with MB when she said something unfair and she was in pain, pregnant or really upset with what occurred at her very stressful job as a nurse at a very large hospital, Loyola.  I was wrong, and it hurt our marriage.

We had a good deal of adversity.  In a later  post, I'm going to discuss an outstanding program on PBS called This Emotional Life.  (See http://www.pbs.org/thisemotionallife/topics  )  One of the things said is when a couple goes through big problems their communication skills are put to the test.  How  true.  How very true!

Guess what happened on the day way back in 1999 when MB first learned that Andy had a mental problem when he was only 3 years old ? ?  She called me and stated very clearly that we now had a serious problem with our son and if I wanted to, I could leave and she would deal with the problem.  Never mind that doing so was unthinkable in my view. That everything my parents taught and held up as their example to us as parents and a married couple indicated that I should remain faithful,  loyal, true to MB for better or worse. 

I am backed up by the facts.  I helped MB financially anyway I could.  Through nearly all of our marriage, I worked 2 jobs.  I never ever came close to cheating on her with another woman.  In any minute of any day, MB basically knew where I was.  

It didn't matter.  It just didn't matter.  My actions, my intentions as a husband were impugned.  MB didn't believe in me and thought the worst of me.  Therein was and continues to be the problem...................