Don't Go!

Names changed for better security for the woman written about.

 There was a time when I fell in love (it was a love of a greater magnitude, than I had before 1991), and we married.  We have three awesome adult kids. But, when we separated and were divorced, I went through the lowest period of my life.  Aren't the worst times when we feel there's no one we can love and who can love us back?  Aren't the worst times in your life when you felt as though you failed??
Yes, there are numerous sayings, cliches where you are supposed deny or "spin"  failure.  But I don't live nor ever lived that charmed or Polyanna type of life. 
We both have a friend named Ann.  In fact, I knew Ann before I met my ex-wife. I was a teacher, and her son was my student.  After Ann helped me get a job at Loyola Univ. Medical Center.  I learned the art of interpreting ECGs.  Ann was the first woman to love me after moving from Wisconsin to Chicago. She told me she loved me.  She gave me an awesome CD by Queensryche for graduating from Roosevelt University.  Yet, I told her that I loved her as a friend, not a lover.  Then, at work, I met my ex-wife, a nurse at Loyola.  She has now put over 30 hard years at Loyola.

One day she told me that Ann left for Atlanta.  She told me after we were divorced.  My heart sank. I was afraid I would never see Ann again!!  Ann is the most altruistic, loving woman (outside of my dear Mom) that I ever met.  
Yes, Ann knew how to fight and argue, but she rarely did. 
Yes, Ann could get angry and accuse a person of their misdeeds, but she rarely did.  Ann is such a sweet loving woman that my ex-wife and her are dear friends.  That speaks positively to both women.  
A few years later, my ex-wife told me that Ann left Georgia and moved back near Loyola. She was working at Loyola again.    

A breath of buenos' aires  flew into my body, my mind.  
I must talk to her! 
I must see her!!

I called the very night that my ex told me.  I called her as she was working night shift.
Hearing her sweet, loving voice was so soothing but also very emotional. 
She said the kind words that I heard her say before and would hear her say in the future.  
At the end of the call, I couldn't stop myself from crying as I said, I love you so much!!"
"I know," she replied cheerily.  We hung up. 

I couldn't help thinking, "I got to, got to SEE HER!!"  I took her to a football championship game.  Within a month just as I wanted, just as I needed, we fell madly in love.  I even wrote a post on this very blog about 2 people in love back in 2010. 

The next year, 2011, was very rough.  We all were sad when my awesome father-in-law died.  We were relieved that my Mom managed to have Dad in a nursing home (where she visited him every day). but it still was sad!!!  My Dad could no longer live with Mom, because he suffered severe Alzheimer's. 
Then it happened.  After years of suffering from Alzheimer's Dad died in the first month of autumn.  Ann was there to comfort me.  Coincidentally, when we came back home to see my Mom and siblings, in laws, my high school class reunion took place. I was so proud that Ann was by my side. 
Then my mother died the 3rd month of the very same autumn. She died after everyone left her Thanksgiving meal/celebration.  Not I, though. I was frantic to get money whenever and wherever I could (yes, I had a job, but it didn't pay a lot).  I did not visit my mom and family in Wisconsin as I was about 250 miles southeast in Illinois.  

Ann made the agony of that year much easier, because we were in love.  Also, much credit goes to my 2nd son who decided to live with me instead of with his mom.  He said he wanted to live in a place without all the drama.  

In 2013, Ann moved in with me.  We were together and loving each other so much!  I was struggling to find a decent job, but Ann made the burden lighter. I found one that year in September.  Like the one in 2011, I thoroughly enjoyed the paralegal job. Then in the 2nd year, the law firm assigned me to do many more things.  I took my work home; I worked weekends.  I worked so hard.  Yet, it was all right, because Ann cheered me up when I was down.  

For the first time, I dreaded and became scared working at the law firm. People were depending on me to help them get money from the case they won, or we settled. I hated negotiating liens! Ann and my second son were worried about me.  I was worried about me. The next year, I left the firm.  
From that point thereafter, I was never the same paralegal. I lost my confidence.  I fretted over my mistakes.  

Because of Ann, I was not as depressed as I was in 2002-2003.  I never really wanted to commit suicide as I did 17 years ago.  However, the next four years were difficult except when I was working full time at UPS, and they liked my work.  

My favorite teacher in high school said that any serious, long-term relationship will go through changes.  I did not know what he meant.  I found out 3 decades later in my current, loving relationship with Ann.  We went through limerence, and it was exhilarating! Then, we changed to settling down into a routine where we helped each other, nurtured each other, talked about our problems together, and looked each other in the eyes and said, "I love you."

We changed together.  Our relationship would change again.  After four hard years, I finally found a decent-paying job with benefits. My self-esteem improved, and I felt very relieved!  Sadly, weeks before I was hired just before Christmas, 2018, Ann told me to sit down. 
My heart was sinking in dread even before she told me, "I have cancer." The nature of the cancer was heart-breaking.  Yet, in 5 months, she had all her radiation and soon, we learned the good news that she is in remission.  The crisis was over.  I would continue to work hard at my job; Ann would work hard for a few more years at Loyola and retire. We were hopeful and happy.
Yet, God had other ideas. Pat complained early in the new decade about the severe pain she had.  It took a long, long time to figure out what the pain was from. Painfully and with anguish, Ann nearly died in the summer of 2020.  Her pain turned into shortness of breath, lack of vitality. Weeks after coming home from the hospital, we knew very clearly that she would never work in a hospital again.  She was just too weak! 
Then, we learned she needed a cardiac bypass. Later, she began bleeding.  She went to the hospital again and again.  She was so forlorn, she hated going to the hospital even though she received excellent care. She cried, and I understood her melancholy when the physician said her hemoglobin was too low for her to be released from the hospital; she was bleeding too much.  Yet, they found a way, and she went home a week later.  

She had kidney failure, she needed weekly dialysis.  She needed cauterization surgery for her bleeding.  The dialysis sapped the vitality out of her every morning when she had it.  A painful question made itself very obvious.  If Ann became sick as she repeatedly did in 2020, what would happen to her while I was working a 12-hour shift??  Her loving daughter had a beautiful home in Yorkville. There were four adults living there, they could provide my dear Ann 24/7 care.  As an added bonus, she would see the granddaughters that she loved with every fiber of her being!

During the years 2019, 2020 and this year, our roles changed noticeably.  Previously, when we lived together, and I was going through vocational hardships, Ann was consoling me.  I felt like a failure when I couldn't find work. She told me I wasn't!!
Now that I had the decent job, I needed, really wanted to be there for her.  She lost vitality; how could she look at life the same?  She praised me for being there for her treatments, for her hospitalizations.  Obviously, it was a no-brainer for me.  I wanted to help her.  When I wasn't there, her dear daughter and others were there for her.  Yet, after her summer hospitalizations, I started to hear her say, "I can't take much more of this."  When she despaired over losing so much energy, she said, "this isn't life." I listened, but wondered if I gave enough encouragement.  

Today, I heard the same sentiment. Today and yesterday, we celebrated Valentine's Day; we were happy for awhile.  But, her health problems made their presence known loud and clear.  She still lives with her daughter. This afternoon, it was time to bring her back. Of course, I felt bad.  In the car, I discovered that I had Matthew Sweet's sorrowful CD, GIRLFRIEND.  The album was made after Sweet's sad, depressing divorce.  Listening to the CD, I brought Ann to her home. I made sure that she was ok with the CD.  After an hour of driving, I kissed her goodbye.  

I certainly was in a sad enough mood to hear the heartsick GIRLFRIEND album again.  Yet, the song "Don't Go"  played.  The song was not necessarily about divorce but something just as sad.  It made me think over a decade ago.  I asked a widow, "What do you think the difference between divorce and a spouse's death is."
She replied, "It's just as sad, but as a widow, I feel less guilt than you did after your divorce." There's no way of telling when Ann or even I will die. We talked about that today. We simply need to wait for God to order us when.  But here are the words that took my breath away as I heard Matthew Sweet sing: 

"Oh, don't go, I can't watch them put you in the ground/Don't go!

Don't go, don't make me have to say goodbye/'Cause I need to look you in the eye, oh, don't go.

I still need to look you in the eye, don't go!!!" 

 from Matthew Sweet (who is my age and also got heavy, but still just as good an entertainer as 1991) in the song, "Don't Go."

That's Matthew above with Susanna Hoffs.

Yet, there is HOPE. 
If Ann can make it through the first procedure, and it goes well, then we can do what we really are hoping for.  We can go to class, learn how to do home dialysis.  The dialysis won't be as taxing as now, because she will have it when she goes to sleep at night!  If only, she can make it until then!

We will use hope, faith and praying to God, the Holy Trinity to will her to making it!